juured

Autumn arrives, my mind and heart feel lighter. With every raindrop, it's like I'm receiving a kiss from heavens up above. I've been missing Nature so bad and like they say if If the mountain will not come to Mohammed, Mohammed will go to the mountain. Except in this case it's kinda the opposite? I haven't been going to the mountain so the mountain is coming to meet me, Nature is covering me all over, if that makes sense. And I am glad she does because I've been getting more and more empty without her. The brisk air allows me to figure out again where I end and everything else begins. Where my skin meets all the universe outside my body. I inhale and the freshness fills my lungs. I can breathe again.

I will soon take a month off to reorganize my life and head, to understand where is this path gonna take me and where do I want it to do so. I've lost track of my dreams and I'm not certain if I even have any left? At least any of the old ones. Dr. Google says that when sometimes somewhere along your life you get hurt, like tiny-papercut hurt (11/10 pain), and see your dreams go down the drain, you lock away your ability to dream in the furthest corner you can find inside you and it's very hard to find the way back there because you were so sad you forgot to leave a breadcrumb trail.

It is scary, thinking about moving back with my parents with no job and no life expectations but I am also excited about what I will discover. For a long time, it made me feel embarrassed and small when I was asked about my dreams. I had, I have... none. Everyone around me seems to have a dream, no matter how big or how small, and I'm watching from the outside all those sparkly eyes chasing something.  Doesn't matter if they get it or not, just being able to dream about it, that's remarkable and warm, it's human. So I've been living in this limbo, a bit less human than before, but I know I still got something inside me somewhere, it's just a matter of finding the path to it. 

my soul as a video

bom dia boa tarde até amanhã boa viagem

2/30

never put your faith in a prince. when you require a miracle, trust in a witch.

diário de bordo. 15-20/06

voltar da ilha, ver a minha vida a andar pra trás com tanta turbulência e uma aterragem daquelas. ver a minha vida andar pra trás por voltar a Lisboa. 

estou bem quando não estou aqui.

uma aventura, para dizer o menos. alternando entre estados de aborrecimento e estados de paz. foi estranho, mas soube bem.

tenho pena de sair, mas sinto que há um tempo para tudo e este tempo para São Miguel foi o suficiente.

vêm comigo as aprendizagens. as certezas de algumas mudanças e de alguns finais. daqui, veremos.

veremos.

um dia de primavera. no photos, more words

we run on unpredictability. I can't make decisions. most of the times this is not a nice thing, don't let the "wild and free" myth fool you. hell, most of the times it is the worst. but sometimes good things come out of it, and everything goes better than expected.

car parked in front of the bus station with your bus leaving in five minutes. my head running as always - what if I miss something really cool, what if something bad happens, what if this what if that. you say goodbye and leave the car. wait!! let's go together tomorrow. you come back inside and laugh. my most favorite kind of laugh is probably this one, the I-can't-believe-we-are-doing-this laugh. 

24h later we were in Porto, watching Rhye. I'm glad it rained, I'm glad everything smells so fresh and how surrounded by green we are. I am so tired of all the trash and the grumpiness in Lisboa that Porto feels like such a breath of fresh air. I feel rested, restored, excited. It's unbelievable for the normal folk how many days can one go by without feeling like this (trust me, so many, too many). 

I danced and threw my hands and feet around frantically and got tear-filled eyes with Lorde, I jumped and badly sang along with Tyler. Remembered a night in the outskirts of Tallinn with Jamie XX (you guys smoked and we saw cool music videos on that boy's big computer screen and then you and me walked home. We had met not that long ago. It was raining. Or snowing, I don't remember well anymore). Then I fell asleep on my baby's shoulder while a noisy techno and blinding lights filled the air. Tried not to fall asleep standing for another 40 minutes to let him enjoy the dj he really wanted to see. We went home, I stepped on poop and fell asleep as soon as the lights went out.

we wake up, go for a walk. grey concrete and plants, I love that so much. we say goodbyes, you stay and I come back home because I'm starting to know my limits and how important it is to not ignore them and it's ok to miss some things sometimes. um dia bonito. living a fear-ridden life is a pain in the ass. but sometimes is good to let fear guide you. only sometimes.

the earth laughs in flowers

de volta a casa durante um fim-de-semana meio que prolongado. apercebo-me que a cidade já não é para mim. às 6 da manhã, a conduzir de volta a casa; ontem choveu durante horas e por isso agora está um nevoeiro cerrado; sinto-me como se estivesse num sonho, nuvens no chão, o nascer do Sol, os rosas e violetas, a seara dourada e verde, os sobreiros de cores profundas. a vida volta a estar no sítio durante esses 40 minutos de viagem. e se me aparecesses à frente, naquele nevoeiro, naquele sonho - penso para mim. dava tudo para te voltar a ver, mesmo que me proibissem de falar contigo para o resto da vida, ou que esquecesses o que fomos. se estivesses bem, para mim bastava. continuo a tentar aprender a viver. continuo a aprender sobre mim. a lidar com a feiura do mundo, quando custa ainda mais lidar com a sua beleza. 

tudo vai voltar ao sítio, ainda que a um sítio diferente. 

sei que sim.

heimat

hello. so, I've been quite frequently moving in and out of houses in the past year (and countries too). Now that I think of it, somehow, ever since I got back to Portugal, I've been really struggling to feel at home anywhere I "settle arraiais" (a portuguese expression I really enjoy, that refers to put all your stuff somewhere and settle). 

last time I felt at home was at the comuna, the place that took me days to say goodbye to, including a very emotional last nap on my own tiny bed and a few last nights before that sleeping in Lo's bedroom because we couldn't comfortably fit two in mine. I said goodbye to that place like you say goodbye to a big big friend you know you'll never live the same things again with but shared such amazing experiences that you know you will always care for them. Last year's June, we departed. I was the last one, a few days after Oli left, and I must admit I cried a bit when I dropped my keys in the mailbox.

since then, I have slept and eaten and showered and cried and danced in houses, but not in a home. and it's important to say I am a person who gets very very attached to things, even the most insignificant you can think of, like rubber bands or pens. but somehow, it didn't hurt to leave the house I found when I first came back to Lisboa. I spent three months there but it was such a normal mundane moment to just hear the lock's two clicks for the last time.

now I've spent two and a half months in a brand "new" (renovated) flat, with just my sister, probably living my teenage years house dream with a big room, plants everywhere, the comfiest couch I've ever sat on and a pallet tv stand made by my dad. yet, it just struck me. I don't feel at home. 

it's like I feel disconnected from the house. don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for it and it brings me great joy to be here and fill it with good things and cook and sing out loud. but it just feels... weird. temporary. that it's not home.

you're my favorite daydream I'm your famous nightmare

Everything I see looks like gold 
Everything I touch goes cold

throwback to a time very very far away from the present one
when you were more than ashes
scattered in places
i don't even know where
(that's what hurts the most)
a time when you were more than ashes
you still are but

your Elvis song in my ear
that moonlit voice that I hear
tenho saudades da tua gargalhada

sol de abril

- desacelerar. querer ser mais mas menos vezes. querer-me mais. ver o que já sou e querer-me por isso, querer-me assim mesmo.
- não pensar tanto.

written by performed at

Spending time in the abode, trying to pretend the warm wind is out playing with the sun. I miss its touch on my skin, going out and feeling that warm embrace - when the air temperature meets my own body's it is almost like I'm levitating. floating with both feet on the ground. I like that. I know I might regret this in a few months when the sweat and sleepless nights and the too-hot-to-go-outside 40 degrees make its way into our lives in this little corner of Europe but for now I enjoy dreaming about it and thinking of myself as this desert child who craves for the chance to walk around barefoot and display the works of art spattered around her skin (this one on my arm is from ágata 💛 she is probably my favorite tattoo artist in town). so for now, I will keep imagining things, inside, listening to rad tunes like Veni Vidi Vici from Black Lips. summery vibes: on.

parabéns

vera verita

o sol começa a dar de si mas o vento ainda é fresquinho. tento manter a cabeça leve, vou andar mais por aqui.

reminder

spend more time in my comfort zone

be kind through 2018 and always

stop focusing on reach and care more about resonance